World Record Chapter 94

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94. Lament

As if walking in the dark without being able to see what’s in front.
During the time when I kept killing Unknowns, it’s just like living in an uncomfortable darkness.
However, I feel that now I’m further inside the darkness.
Hell……no, it’s like the abyss.

「……Haa」

I throw myself to the bed, and breathe out deeply.
……What’s the best thing to do?
I killed a person, met with his daughter, and being resented by her.
For the time being, I’m sheltering her.
The perpetrator–and the victim.
Normally, these two can never be together, but the fact is that we’re both living under the same roof.

「……What exactly should I do?」

I feel disheartened.
My heart hurts. It hurts. It feels like it’s going to burst.
But I can’t run away.
I can’t run away from sins…from the feelings of guilt.
It will follow around me forever.
It can’t be settled by saying 「I don’t know」.
No matter how ignorant I am, even if it’s not intentional, it doesn’t change the fact that I killed him. The weight of the sin doesn’t change.

「What to do……」

Gon–gon–
The toll of a bell resounds.
I looked at the clock in surprise, and the clock hands are pointing at the number 『12』, and the moonlight shine through the window.

「……Night?」

I feel that I was afternoon just now……but it looks like it became night while I’m thinking of what to do.
Guu. My stomach sounded softly.
I don’t remember, but……did she eat lunch?
I feel that she hasn’t. I certainly placed the plate in front of her room. The food made by me……is probably left as it is.

「……I guess, I should eat」

Muttering that, I move my heavy body and rise from the bed.
I walk several steps to the door–and suddenly, my vision distorts.

「Ugu……」

I unintentionally fall to one knee, and place my hand on my head.
Sugin! A dull pain runs through my head.
By the overwhelming pain, I unintentionally wrinkled my eyebrows.

「Dammit……」

If I’m not mistaken, the doctor said it.

『Something like not being able to use superpower due to stress……is an unprecedented abnormal condition up until now. In other words, the stress you are carrying is abnormal. ……If, if you feel any abnormality in your body, please visit the hospital immediately. If it is late……you might die by stress』

I recalled, and smiled wryly.

「Die……by stress, huh」

What an unsightly way to die.
However, I don’t desire such way of dying.
I, one day–

「I must…let that girl…kill me」

That’s why, I can’t die yet.
I won’t accept death unless I’m killed by her.
I place my hand on my knee, and stand up, but then, my head hurts even more.
However, this much is nothing.
Compared to her pain, this is nothing.

「Haa, haa…… Fuu」

I manage to stand up somehow.
Hospital……is no good.
If by any chance, the doctor order me to stop, then, an observer will be placed in this house for sure. Kaa-san or Nee-san, or maybe someone with a stubborn personality. At any rate, her existence will be exposed.
That’s why, I won’t go to the hospital.

「I……need to, make food」

I’m hungry.
I’m sure that she’s the same.
That’s why, I must cook.
No matter how many times she rejects me.
No matter how much she hates me.
In order to kill me, I need her to live.

「Guu……」

I start walking unsteadily, and I push open the door with my body.
I continue moving to the stairs.
On this occasion, her room which is located in front of the stairs.
I don’t feel her presence there.
However, the food placed in front of the room, is left untouched.

I feel her presence coming from the first floor.
She’s probably the same.
When thinking that–my legs stopped.
……I wonder why.
I can’t think of an answer.
My legs just won’t move forward.

「……」

My legs shake.
I don’t want to go.
I don’t want–to go any further.
While my instinct shouting frantically inside, I can hear the footsteps coming upstairs.
I instinctively back off.
I think after backing off–Why did I back off?

「……」

She show up from the first floor.
When I see her holding a vegetable with the trace of bite, I feel a little relief.

「……Thank god. It looks like she’s eating more or less」
「……」

She glares at me in silence.
Probably meaning not to speak to her.
Then, I don’t mind.
I won’t speak to her if she tells me so.
I pass through her, and start walking down to the first floor.
On that moment.

「……I absolutely…won’t let you run away」

I heard a cracking sound.
I turn around instinctively.
What’s there is just the usual long blue haired girl. Her icy cold eyes peek through her long bangs.

「I think…all this time. About what you wanted…to do」

That’s also the answer I’m looking for.
The answer which disappeared somewhere just when I tried look for it.

「Why…you made food for me. Why…you try to go to fight. Why are you–trying to die」
「–」

I gulped by her final words.
Why am I trying so hard to die?
I don’t know.

–If I said that……it will be a lie.

「You try to go to fight…because you want to die. The reason you try to get involve with me……is because you want me to kill you」

I realized after she said that.
I–am trying to die.
I try to go to the battlefield even if I’m allowed to, is because I want to die.
I get involve with her is because I want her to kill me.
I didn’t try to go to the hospital is because I don’t want her to die.
I realized after thinking this far that this is the 『most suitable』 answer.
After all, I don’t want to die.
Although I don’t want to die, I want to die.
That’s contradicting.
That’s why, I–

 

「–From me. You want to…escape from the sins」

 

–Ah. Yeah, you’re right.
I can hear the sound of something crumbling inside my head.
I wonder what crumbled?
My heart or my mind.
Or perhaps, my bluff.

–I want to run away right now.

I want to run away from the sins. That’s why, I seek death by getting involve with her.
I want to run away from her, from this house, and go to the battlefield.

I laughed unintentionally.
Kuku.
Kuhaha.
An extremely mad laugh.

I killed a person.
The sin is too heavy for me.
That’s why, I bluffed. I pretend as if I’m enduring it easily.
However, that’s just the outward appearance.
In my heart, I’m already……

–crushed because I can’t endure it anymore.

「I won’t let…you run away. I’ll torment you, hurt you, and at the end, kill you. I won’t make you feel comfortable. I won’t let you escape by dying. If you still try to escape, you’re a murderer and……the worst–」

I started running without hearing her until the end.
I go down the stairs quickly, kick open the door, and run outside.
The full moon in the night sky.
I feel the cold feeling of being barefooted on snow, and the coldness attacks my entire body.
It’s cold, and cold.
But still, a broken heart is colder.

「–Ah—-Aah……」

A soundless voice leaked out from my mouth.
I know, I know it.
I’m a murderer, and a person who massacre a lot.

–Above all, I know that I’m just a shitty bastard.

However, I can’t helped but to run away.
I can’t endure the coldness of my heart.
As if I’m the only one who’s savoring Hell in this world. There’s something colder than my heart.

I want to feel relief by thinking that there’s an even worst misfortune than this.

I started running in order to search for it under the winter night sky.

 

☆☆☆

 

I don’t know where did I run to.
My legs that continued running through the snow raise a scream. It has already lost the senses, and it’s becoming white.
However, I don’t care of such thing.
……Anymore. I don’t care anymore.

「Haa, haa, haa……」

When I realized, I came to here.
The ground with the ruins of fire.
The trees around are completely withered, and there are no living things that approach here.
Only me standing there.

「Haa……haa……」

I look downwards.
It’s probably considered dangerous to approach.
His property is still here.
The katana tempered with the pattern of flames.
The small white cloak.
The large leather belt.
His clothes disappeared with him. He died.
That’s why, only these things remained.

……Only these.

「Damn……」

I fall to my knees unintentionally.
Why…… Why–
Why……I.

「Why I……have to go through all these……」

I just wanted to protect everyone.
That’s why, I defeated the enemy desperately.
I continued defeating the invading enemies.
No–I continued killing.
Everyone thanked me. Regarded me as a hero.
I was lionized as the humanity’s protector.

And, resented–by only one girl.

I was scorned countless times.
I was hit countless times as her father’s enemy.
I made her cry countless times.
Over……and over again……

「Why…… Why……」

Why is it always me……who go through this.
I want to protect.
In fact, I protect.
Putting more efforts than other people.
I did my best to make the originally hard-to-use superpower into something usable.
Without sparing time for sleep.
Without going to school. Without any friends. Without knowing youth.
I put efforts into the world’s peace even if I have to throw everything away.

 

「At the end, what awaits is–this」

 

I felt my heart crumbling more.
My efforts up until now were pointless.
As a result, I only robbed the special person of a little girl.
I only degraded into a person who massacre a lot.
Bathed in blood and countless resentments.
When thinking so–tears shed.
Up until now, the tears which I hold back, shed.

「Uu……kuu……」

Sobbing leaks.
I want to run away.
I want to start running away right now.
I want to feel free by dying.

「Ah……aah……」

My tears won’t stop.
My true intention begins to overflow.
Lamentation resounds in the night sky.

「Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!」

Shedding tears, distorting my vision.
While lamenting as if crying to the sky.
As if sneering at my own Hell.

 

–The snow fell brilliantly.

 

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