Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? – Blood 1

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Blood 1 Negishi Akiko

I hate myself.
Well, isn’t it so?
My appearance is ugly, and there’s no merit that seems to be a merit too.
I’m poor at sports, and I can’t study well too.
Although my family can’t be said as poor, the economic condition that’s a little lower than the average.
With this, I don’t have a special characteristic that I can say that I like myself.

Especially, my appearance.
I hate this to death.
Pale skin.
Very thin body.
If I looked at the mirror, the face like a dead person who’s cheeks sank and had vacant eyes that looked back at me.
If I open my mouth, the bad tooth of the uneven row of teeth.
Only the cuspid asserts itself excessively in that.

Because of the zombie-like appearance and the long cuspid, the nickname given to me is Vampire.
I was made fun since the elementary school by the boys, and I seriously came to consider people as nuisance in the junior high school.
Bullying began from trifling harassment.
The bad-mouthing intentionally to let me hear, and the backbiting that’s whispered.
If it’s one by one, it can be endured, but if those accumulate, it will corner a person.

In my case, it turned into anger.
Even though I’m like this, why are the people who have proper appearance like that?
I feel anger in the born difference, and feel anger and jealousy to the people who bullies using that as a shield.
That very dark feelings piled up in my heart.

That’s why, it was inevitable that the incident happened.
Judging from the group who bullied me, there might be no intention of bullying at all.
However, they do it because it’s interesting.
Only that light feeling.
The people themselves don’t know how many people they hurt.
After all, they didn’t understand what will happen when it returns to them until they knew it with their own body.

The start was probably caused by the usual trifling bullying.
A dust cloth was thrown at my face during the cleaning time. If I’m not wrong, it was such a thing. (Ambien)
The thing that the pool that accumulated in me bursts at the moment.
Rebuked as Vampire, I bit him as they requested.

I don’t remember well the things after that.
The boy bitten by me went to the hospital, and he attended the school bandaged the next day.
It seemed that he would be dead by cutting the artery if one step was wrong.
Fortunately, there seemed to be nothing in the place where I bit, so it was not a serious wound.

I was called by the teacher individually.
In that case, the teacher’s attitude was the attitude that doesn’t even conceal the aversion like touching a swelling.
I didn’t have a penalty even in such a situation.
For the school side, I think that they don’t want the scandal that the victim counterattacked on the assailant at the end of bullying to spread.
The boy bitten by me didn’t make noise in particular.
I mean, I don’t know well about the things later.

Because an informal decision had already decided on Heishin High School at this time and I met the points for graduation, I didn’t go to school after that.
Although it might be not good in reality, the school side said nothing to me.
And, I graduated from the junior high school without participating the graduation ceremony.

Let’s make a fresh start from the high school.
Although I decided so in my mind, the reality is not so sweet.
My personality that I cultivated until then doesn’t change easily just by the environment changed.
The servile personality that I hate myself as usual.

There’s no change in appearance too.
It’s only in 2D that ugly people can become beautiful by effort.
Or, the foundation to become beautiful.
In my case, I was not able to expect it no matter how hard I work.
It can only be done with plastic surgery.

I have an unchanged zombie-like appearance whereas the surrounding girls grow up, and refined.
I knew that I was called as Real Horror Child, in short Rihoko behind my back.
Although I didn’t mind it because I was more modest than the time of the junior high school, still, there was the thing that boiled in the depths of my heart.

It’s Wakaba Hiiro who irritates my heart the most.
She hardly takes communication with others in the same way as me.
And yet, she receives the exact opposite evaluation from the surroundings with me.
The difference is the difference of the appearance.

Some girls didn’t seem to like it, and rant covered with jealousy.
Whenever I saw it, it’s like a mirror was shown and I hated it.
Am I also ugly like those people?
The answer is obvious.
As for me, not only my appearance, but my inside is also ugly.

But, it’s not hopeless.
Then, what should I have done?
Would my life be different if my face is good?
The thing that my life was a mistake from the moment when I was born.
Because the appearance is ugly, the inside is not ugly.
Because the appearance is ugly, there’s the environment that makes the inside ugly.
The guy who says that “I don’t mind the appearance” is merely a hypocrite.
That’s the conclusion that I gave.

I want to be reborn.
To a proper appearance this time.
It doesn’t need to be a beautiful woman.
I want to become a common appearance at least.

I didn’t even think that such escapism was realized.

I’m weak in the morning because of low blood pressure.
I often can’t wake up for the first hour of the school’s class .
I couldn’t support my sluggish body on that day, and fell on the desk.
I hear the voice reciting Okazaki-sensei’s classical literature like a lullaby.
Okazaki-sensei is a good person who pays attention to me unlike my class teacher in the junior high school.
I let go of my consciousness while hearing the voice.

When I woke up next, it was an unknown ceiling.
It’s not the school’s classroom.
It’s not the school infirmary either.
Although I fall down several times by anemia and have visited the school infirmary, it’s different from the ceiling there.

When I try to stand up and look around the surroundings, it was impossible to do it.
My body doesn’t move as I want.
There’s no power at all.
In the situation that anything can’t be understood, there was something that jumped into view suddenly.

It’s the hand.
It’s a small, small, hand.
It’s totally like a baby’s.

I was confused.

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