Chapter 247 – You are not truly happy (1)
“Flickering brightly, the whole sky are full of little stars, hanging in the sky giving off radiance, like ten million little eyes….”
Once summer passes, the vast sky full of stars would disappear, at this time within ten thousand miles there wouldn’t be a single cloud with the moon in the center.
The cool breeze brushed by slightly. On the ground, the flowers and plants swayed in the breeze. Although the night was very cold in the mountains, he didn’t know why when he heard the little fellow singing, he really felt that the whole sky really was full of flickering little eyes. His mind all of a sudden emptied.
“What song is this?” Xiao Xu made his tone gentle as he asked after she finished singing.
“It’s called little star.” Chu Qing-Yan suddenly thought of something, she dug out something that gave off white lights from her jacket. Then lifting it, she smilingly said to the person at her side. “Although there aren’t any stars tonight, but now in my hand is a star. This is what you gave me and I want to invite you to watch the stars together with me.”
Xiao Xu shifted his gaze to the Ying Yun stone in her hand. That was what he gave the little fellow as her birthday gift. At this moment, it was giving off soft rays of light in the center of her palm. It was like a real star that she caught, as it lay in the center of her palm.
“What you are doing is called winning favor by using someone else’s property.” Xiao Xu took back his gaze and could faintly feel his eyelids were a bit heavy. But he still forced his eyes open, he wanted to shake off the sleepiness.
Chu Qing-Yan’s lips drew back as she smiled at him. “In any case, you already gave this to me. Then the property rights all belong to me. I have the power, authority and usage rights over it, the authority to profit from it and the authority to deal with it, okay? Moreover, what kind of Buddha do you want to be? The Laughing Buddha? The Buddha that presides over winning battles? Jing Tan emissary (2)?”
With regards to a certain someone’s talkativeness, he had always let her talk as she pleased.
But after she said this series of words, he felt his head become heavier and his eyelids almost closed.
But the person by his ear suddenly started to talk to herself. “But the Laughing Buddha is always smiling while you always have a stiff face. It’s image simply doesn’t agree with yours. Jing Tan emissary is a glutton, you look more or less like the Retired Emperor. As for the Buddha that presides over winning battles, he seems to look a bit like you. He upholds virtue and condemns evil. With regards to villains he won’t merciful or lenient, he is loved by the people. Moreover, your martial arts are excellent, you are also wise, have foresight and can distinguish right from wrong. It’s only a pity ah that Buddha is lively and energetic, while you always have a dull temper. Clearly you are only twenty year old, the best age for a youth, okay?”
She kept talking and somehow it turned into a roast, Xiao Xu felt this little fellow was becoming more and more bold. He wanted to lift his hand and flick her forehead but his entire body was lacking strength, even his thoughts slowly became slack. In the end, he fell into an endless darkness.
While the little fellow at his ear still continued to talk on endlessly. What she said sounded like a tune to make people sleep peacefully, making him close his eyes to rest.
“Forget it, forget it. Not going to talk about you, otherwise you’ll say I’m impudent again.” Chu Qing-Yan didn’t hear a sound by her ear, and thought Big Block of Ice was once again ignoring her. She had no choice but to give up. But very quickly she cheered herself up. “Big Block of Ice, I’ll sing another song for you, you….”
She had just turned her head and the smile stopped at the corner of her lips. Chu Qing-Yan let out of breath of relief, Big Block of Ice finally fell asleep.
Tonight she went to find Air Spirit to get a package of soothing nerves powder. Originally, she had wanted to add it all to the bowl of medicine, but she was afraid Big Block of Ice would get suspicious so she only added a little to his medicine. She also added a bit on the various dishes for dinner and also some on her own clothes.
Air Spirit said this medicine’s effect lasts very long but the desired effect would take a while to show up. Therefore in order to avoid Big Block of Ice’s suspicions, she swindled him into coming out to look at the night sky.
She helped him smooth out his clothes, then sat up. Both of her hands hugged her knees as she leaned against his side. Her expression wasn’t as joyous and excited as before . “Big Block of Ice although you are asleep, but there is a song I had always wanted to sing to you. It’s fine that you are sleeping.”
The corner of her mouth pulled into a smile, Chu Qing-Yan’s gaze landed on the person at her side. His silver mask gave off a soft silver light under the moonlight.
A spirited and crisp singing voice once again sounded on the mountain.
“Crying among the crowd,
You only want to change into a transparent color,
You will never again,
Feel pain in your dreams or have your heart moved,
You already decided,
You already decided——
You quietly endured,
Tightly holding yesterday in the center of your fist.
But the sweeter the memories,
The more it hurts,
Even leaving behind in the center of your palm,
Densely packed deep lines cut by a knife.”
From childhood to now, you have never experienced what’s called affection. Maybe before Xiao Ran was born, Western Xuan emperor may still have cared about you. But following the birth of Xiao Ran, your position was replaced by someone else. Maybe it could be said that Xiao Ran received the paternal love you never received.
“You are not truly happy,
Your smile is only,
The protective camouflage you wear,
You decided not to hate,
Also decided not to love,
Put away your soul,
Locked it up forever in the house for souls,
This world smiled,
You also smiled along with the crowd,
You took life as if you were living by sets of rules,
And not by your choice,
As a result, your eyes contain tears,
Floating, fluttering and staggering along, walking through life.”
But so many years have passed, yet you never give up the longing for love from your family, while you grin and bear it all. You expended great effort to strive for an opportunity to let others see your efforts. You are not a prince with an empty honorable status that was not good at anything!
But what was the result ah?
Empress Liang pressured you step by step, Western Xuan emperor heartlessly exploited you.
Every misunderstanding, every injustice, you silently bore it alone.
For twenty years, you unswerving strived from start to finish.
But even the strongest person, even a person that could endure everything, there will be a day he won’t have the strength to go forward.
That night when you were punished to kneel in the rain, what you waited for that came wasn’t the truth being revealed, rather what came was the bell that rang for you to go to prison.
When you exited the prison and entered the imperial palace, what awaited you wasn’t appeasement, rather it was a new mission being dropped on you.
When saying goodbyes the day before you left, it became the time when you were met with a tightly closed door where she didn’t want to see you.
That boy that was always standing tall and looking rock-solid like a huge mountain that wouldn’t be easily pushed over, was finally overwhelmed by this last straw.
“You are not truly happy,
The injuries you never consented to,
I stood on your left,
But seemed to be separated by a galaxy from you,
Could it be you really will hold on to the regret,
Until you become old?”
If it was changed to another person, he would have already collapsed from the torment. But you only choose to swallow the pain alone. Then you carried on the mission and continued to go forward.
Big Block of Ice, how could you be like this? Always doing things because of other people and considering their wishes, but not the least bit concerned about yourself?
Clearly your heart is so warm and gentle, but others slander you to be unfeeling, cold-blooded, ruthless, brutal and very violent!
Clearly you really deserve more admiration and praises, but what you got was abuse and slander.
Along this way, you have walked through so many hardships, so why must those people still force you onto a dead end road, extracting and cleaning out your last bit of energy?
“You deserve true happiness,
You ought to take off,
The protective camouflage you wear,
Why after having lost things,
Must you still be punished,
Could you not let the sorrow,
Completely end at this moment,
To start afresh a new life!”
Big Block of Ice, I wish there will be a day when you can live for yourself. A truly, genuine relaxed life that have nothing you need to take care of. That you won’t be bound by this so called duty, so called things you ought to do, so called things you must do.
The spirited large eyes spilled over with a string of tears.
Big Block of Ice, how could you not let people’s hearts hurt for you?
Chu Qing-Yan couldn’t help but extend her hands to hug him, in a sobbing voice she said. “Big Block of Ice, I know now, I clearly understand, what I want is for you to be happy!”
1) You are not truly happy: The Chinese song title is 你不是真的快乐 I’m not sure who was the original singer. I took some liberties with translating the song by adding some words to help the song make more sense. Here is one version of the song.
2) Jing Tan emissary: See the pig disciple of the monk from the story Journey to the West.